Monday, 12 September 2011

sorry about my prolonged absence gentlemen. i say gentlemen even though i know most of you are the kind of scoundrels that would trick or cheat a fine young lady into bed.... but that is why i like you. we are kindred spirits. so anyway what was i saying? ah yes, my absence. well lets just say i've been a little busy. working for the mighty GNB isn't easy, and those north koreans are very tricky customers indeed.

i want to talk today about Charlie Sheen. and you want to read about him, don't you? of course you do.

me and charlie go back a long way. a helluva long way. and we enjoy the same things, women, gambling, winning. especially winning.

did you know me and charlie sheen both know bree olsen? and when i say know... i mean KNOW. inside and out if ya catch my drift. she's a lovely women. not a hint of daddy issues. okay neither of those statements are true. not even nearly. she DOES, however, have a fantastic body. and that is what matters!

so you're probably wondering how we did it. well actually, you're probably just thinking "meh two amazing looking guys (one better looking than the other though) they probably just gave her the look and that was it" and you would be WRONG!

girls like bree, despite being used to ahem "being on camera" are notoriously difficult to bag. so how does one game, mack, sarge, score whatever you wanna call it, a girl like her?

girls are like video games. i use this analogy because if you are reading this, then you are probably very familiar with video games. i personally, don't play them. but that is because they are too easy for me. they frustrate me with the very nature of how simple they are.

every video game has an objective, an overall mission that must be completed. the mission in this case, is to get laid.

doing certain things within the game will allow you to progress a little further in the game. saying certain things to a women will allow you to get a little closer to being in her pants.

what are her weaknesses? certain bosses on a game will have a flaw which you have to exploit. certain women have an issue that must be exploited also!

ill post the rest tomorrow... those pesky god damn north koreans...

barney x

Friday, 25 February 2011

Stinson's Legendary Pickup 101

This is a new thing i will be doing on this blog... you ask me questions, and i answer them and help you on your quest to be awesome. it can be anything from a simple question to a long winded, boring friend zone situation. yes that it how awesome i am. true story.

So get those questions in either in comments, messages or hit me on the twitter

remember guys... you all have the potential to be awesome. get out there, get hitting on those girls!

if theres one thing i like MORE than getting laid... it's my BRO's getting laid. What up.

Barney Stinson


Monday, 21 February 2011

today i am going to take a break from giving you lessons in awesomeness, instead i am going to talk to you about laser tag!!

i love laser tag. it is quite frankly, the most awesome sport in the history of awesome sports.

let me tell you about how it came to be...

the year is 1831, Thomas Edison is just chilling, having a few glasses of whiskey (awesome) having just left his mistresses house (what up). He sits down, and begins to ponder "my life is pretty awesome... has it peaked? is this it? will i never get to experience more awesome things than this?" and as he does, he begins to pace around his room. His mind wanders, and he lets it, letting it take him down avenues of awesomeness, lay-byes of legendary status, and he is in a dark room.

Sirens sound, dark fog engulfs the room, and he clutches his weapon in hand, crouched low and walking quietly to avoid attracting the ever unwanted presences of the 5th graders... a noise to his left. He moves quickly and silently, the predator with the scent of its prey, and crouches behind a barrel, firing shots from his laser weapon until his prey did scream "cheat!!!" no more...

And after awaking from this half dream, half trance, he decided to invent electricity, in order to recognize his dream and create the most awesome sport of Laser Tag.

True Story

Barney x

Thursday, 17 February 2011

what is it, you ask, that sets me apart from you?

the fact i know that i'm awesome, and you don't.

when i walk up to a girl, before i've even said a word, she knows from that first look that it is definitely on.


confidence. if you walk up to a girl, hands in pockets, shoulders hunched, head tilted looking all shy and nervous like a little kid asking his mom for a dollar, she will be thinking "wow, who is this dweeb?"

Barney Stinson is no dweeb.

No. Barney Stinson casually walks over, shoulders back, tall, sleek and noble, glass of expensive whiskey in one hand, the other extended for a hand shake (instant body contact, an important thing) with a confident smile on this most handsome of faces.

When a woman looks at me she thinks "wow, there is a go getter. he knows what he wants out of life, and he just does it. i bet he is rich and powerful and awesome in bed!"..... really.

and that is why i consistently win at scoring chicks.

Barney x

Monday, 14 February 2011

Stinson here!! I wanna talk to you about scoring chicks (what a surprise)

The main mistake i see time and time and again is people putting chicks on a pedestal. and by that i mean them looking up at them and saying "wooow look at her, i could never be with her, she's a goddess and she wouldn't even look at me twice" and it is the most annoying thing ever!

Girls are just the same as us, with feelings and sex drive just like us. They feel attracted to people just like us, and believe it or not, they want sex just as much as us. The difference is, they, unlike you nerds, will get hit on countless times everyday. So what you really have to do, is find a way to separate yourself from the crowds of chumps.

Wear a Suit. I'm not going over this every blog post. Just do it. Suit up. It's awesome. 'Nuff said.

So.... the old Beta  you would go up to a hot woman (you'd probably have to be bullied into it as well) and say "wow, i really like your dress. you're so pretty can i have your number". well this is WRONG. on so many levels.

here's what i'd do...

"That dress is a nice color, it matches your hair. Infact, i think i've seen Snooki from the Jersey Shore wearing that exact same one!"

BOOM. See what i did? No? This is a technique called "Negging" and is linked intrinsically with the Golden 2/1 Compliment to Insult Ratio (also known as the Backhand Compliment). Whilst complimenting the dress and her hair, which makes her feel good about herself, i also compare her to the orange mess that is Snooki, a well known Idiot. So she doesn't really know how to feel about it, am i being nice or am i jerk? She doesnt know, which instantly sets me apart from the thousand idiots who've tried before.

This means that rather than being able to subconsciously categorize you, she is instead confused and possibly unaware of your motives. This means she will have to try and validate herself to you (more on this later) and you instantly have the upper hand on this woman, no matter how hot she is. true story.

yes i am awesome. i already know,.

Barney x

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Todays Lesson: How To Be Awesome

Awesome is defined as "amazing: inspiring awe or admiration or wonder" and is a subject of speculation to Bro's worldwide. Today, i am going to share with you the real secrets and tips behind achieving awesome.

Awesome is not a quality one can be born with. Awesome is not a skill that can be honed, practiced and perfected over time. Awesomeness is a state of mind, an everlasting presence and force in the universe that can accessed, tapped into and channeled through ones self, allowing you to achieve awesome status (like myself, what up) and perform the most awesome of deeds on a day to day basis.

But how?

Wake up in the morning. Shower, shave, take care of your self and stare at your self in the mirror. Just say it, say it to yourself, its okay. "I am awesome". Say it again, "I am AWESOME". Think of all the things you could ever achieve, every possibly conceive and put all doubt of failure out of your mind. What even is Failure? Thats what Beta Males do.

What is a Beta Male?

A Beta is defined as "An unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male."

But to summarize, a Beta Male is simply a person who is not acknowledging the fact that their is a larger presence of Awesomeness in the universe. 

You know what i do?? I score loads of hot chicks. Beta Males don't.

So don't be one. Its that simple.

'Til Next Time,

Barnacle x 
Rumours are circulating about me and a certain celebrity, by the name of Katy Perry. You people of the internet are suggesting that i, in someway seduced this married woman, took her back to my apartment and fornicated with her and her splendid body, pictured below.

I cannot believe these rumours. For a man of my noble reputation, and nothing but love and respect for the female kind they are simply outrageous...

And i can confirm them to be TRUE, WHAT UP!! Blog Bro Fist. Please make sure you actually make contact with the screen, as i am doing now.

I have decided i am going to use more images in my blog posts. Not out of laziness, its just welll... the do speak a thousand words. Where else would you be able to actually bro fist with Barney Stinson?? Exactly.

I am also currently in the process of preparing quite a large guide on how to approach women. Thats right, how awesome am i?

The one and only BARNEY STINSON teaching YOU how to score women like Katy Perry. What more do you want? In detailed guides on good lines to open talking to women? Fine, i can do that. More you say? How to become more of an Alpha Male? Fine, if thats what you want. How to block other Alpha's in a group when you wanna score the chick he's hitting on? Fine. I will do that for, because thats how awesome i am.

Go back up and bump the Bro Fist again. You've earned it.

Barney x