sorry about my prolonged absence gentlemen. i say gentlemen even though i know most of you are the kind of scoundrels that would trick or cheat a fine young lady into bed.... but that is why i like you. we are kindred spirits. so anyway what was i saying? ah yes, my absence. well lets just say i've been a little busy. working for the mighty GNB isn't easy, and those north koreans are very tricky customers indeed.

i want to talk today about Charlie Sheen. and you want to read about him, don't you? of course you do.

me and charlie go back a long way. a helluva long way. and we enjoy the same things, women, gambling, winning. especially winning.

did you know me and charlie sheen both know bree olsen? and when i say know... i mean KNOW. inside and out if ya catch my drift. she's a lovely women. not a hint of daddy issues. okay neither of those statements are true. not even nearly. she DOES, however, have a fantastic body. and that is what matters!

so you're probably wondering how we did it. well actually, you're probably just thinking "meh two amazing looking guys (one better looking than the other though) they probably just gave her the look and that was it" and you would be WRONG!

girls like bree, despite being used to ahem "being on camera" are notoriously difficult to bag. so how does one game, mack, sarge, score whatever you wanna call it, a girl like her?

girls are like video games. i use this analogy because if you are reading this, then you are probably very familiar with video games. i personally, don't play them. but that is because they are too easy for me. they frustrate me with the very nature of how simple they are.

every video game has an objective, an overall mission that must be completed. the mission in this case, is to get laid.

doing certain things within the game will allow you to progress a little further in the game. saying certain things to a women will allow you to get a little closer to being in her pants.

what are her weaknesses? certain bosses on a game will have a flaw which you have to exploit. certain women have an issue that must be exploited also!

ill post the rest tomorrow... those pesky god damn north koreans...

barney x

Stinson's Legendary Pickup 101

This is a new thing i will be doing on this blog... you ask me questions, and i answer them and help you on your quest to be awesome. it can be anything from a simple question to a long winded, boring friend zone situation. yes that it how awesome i am. true story.

So get those questions in either in comments, messages or hit me on the twitter

www.twitter.com/barneystinson00

remember guys... you all have the potential to be awesome. get out there, get hitting on those girls!

if theres one thing i like MORE than getting laid... it's my BRO's getting laid. What up.

Barney Stinson

x

today i am going to take a break from giving you lessons in awesomeness, instead i am going to talk to you about laser tag!!

i love laser tag. it is quite frankly, the most awesome sport in the history of awesome sports.

let me tell you about how it came to be...

the year is 1831, Thomas Edison is just chilling, having a few glasses of whiskey (awesome) having just left his mistresses house (what up). He sits down, and begins to ponder "my life is pretty awesome... has it peaked? is this it? will i never get to experience more awesome things than this?" and as he does, he begins to pace around his room. His mind wanders, and he lets it, letting it take him down avenues of awesomeness, lay-byes of legendary status, and he is in a dark room.

Sirens sound, dark fog engulfs the room, and he clutches his weapon in hand, crouched low and walking quietly to avoid attracting the ever unwanted presences of the 5th graders... a noise to his left. He moves quickly and silently, the predator with the scent of its prey, and crouches behind a barrel, firing shots from his laser weapon until his prey did scream "cheat!!!" no more...

And after awaking from this half dream, half trance, he decided to invent electricity, in order to recognize his dream and create the most awesome sport of Laser Tag.

True Story

Barney x

what is it, you ask, that sets me apart from you?

the fact i know that i'm awesome, and you don't.

when i walk up to a girl, before i've even said a word, she knows from that first look that it is definitely on.

how?

confidence. if you walk up to a girl, hands in pockets, shoulders hunched, head tilted looking all shy and nervous like a little kid asking his mom for a dollar, she will be thinking "wow, who is this dweeb?"

Barney Stinson is no dweeb.

No. Barney Stinson casually walks over, shoulders back, tall, sleek and noble, glass of expensive whiskey in one hand, the other extended for a hand shake (instant body contact, an important thing) with a confident smile on this most handsome of faces.

When a woman looks at me she thinks "wow, there is a go getter. he knows what he wants out of life, and he just does it. i bet he is rich and powerful and awesome in bed!"..... really.

and that is why i consistently win at scoring chicks.

Barney x

Stinson here!! I wanna talk to you about scoring chicks (what a surprise)

The main mistake i see time and time and again is people putting chicks on a pedestal. and by that i mean them looking up at them and saying "wooow look at her, i could never be with her, she's a goddess and she wouldn't even look at me twice" and it is the most annoying thing ever!

Girls are just the same as us, with feelings and sex drive just like us. They feel attracted to people just like us, and believe it or not, they want sex just as much as us. The difference is, they, unlike you nerds, will get hit on countless times everyday. So what you really have to do, is find a way to separate yourself from the crowds of chumps.

Wear a Suit. I'm not going over this every blog post. Just do it. Suit up. It's awesome. 'Nuff said.

So.... the old Beta  you would go up to a hot woman (you'd probably have to be bullied into it as well) and say "wow, i really like your dress. you're so pretty can i have your number". well this is WRONG. on so many levels.

here's what i'd do...

"That dress is a nice color, it matches your hair. Infact, i think i've seen Snooki from the Jersey Shore wearing that exact same one!"

BOOM. See what i did? No? This is a technique called "Negging" and is linked intrinsically with the Golden 2/1 Compliment to Insult Ratio (also known as the Backhand Compliment). Whilst complimenting the dress and her hair, which makes her feel good about herself, i also compare her to the orange mess that is Snooki, a well known Idiot. So she doesn't really know how to feel about it, am i being nice or am i jerk? She doesnt know, which instantly sets me apart from the thousand idiots who've tried before.

This means that rather than being able to subconsciously categorize you, she is instead confused and possibly unaware of your motives. This means she will have to try and validate herself to you (more on this later) and you instantly have the upper hand on this woman, no matter how hot she is. true story.

yes i am awesome. i already know,.

Barney x

Todays Lesson: How To Be Awesome

Awesome is defined as "amazing: inspiring awe or admiration or wonder" and is a subject of speculation to Bro's worldwide. Today, i am going to share with you the real secrets and tips behind achieving awesome.


Awesome is not a quality one can be born with. Awesome is not a skill that can be honed, practiced and perfected over time. Awesomeness is a state of mind, an everlasting presence and force in the universe that can accessed, tapped into and channeled through ones self, allowing you to achieve awesome status (like myself, what up) and perform the most awesome of deeds on a day to day basis.

But how?

Wake up in the morning. Shower, shave, take care of your self and stare at your self in the mirror. Just say it, say it to yourself, its okay. "I am awesome". Say it again, "I am AWESOME". Think of all the things you could ever achieve, every possibly conceive and put all doubt of failure out of your mind. What even is Failure? Thats what Beta Males do.

What is a Beta Male?

A Beta is defined as "An unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male."


But to summarize, a Beta Male is simply a person who is not acknowledging the fact that their is a larger presence of Awesomeness in the universe. 


You know what i do?? I score loads of hot chicks. Beta Males don't.


So don't be one. Its that simple.


'Til Next Time,


Barnacle x 

Rumours are circulating about me and a certain celebrity, by the name of Katy Perry. You people of the internet are suggesting that i, in someway seduced this married woman, took her back to my apartment and fornicated with her and her splendid body, pictured below.

I cannot believe these rumours. For a man of my noble reputation, and nothing but love and respect for the female kind they are simply outrageous...

And i can confirm them to be TRUE, WHAT UP!! Blog Bro Fist. Please make sure you actually make contact with the screen, as i am doing now.

I have decided i am going to use more images in my blog posts. Not out of laziness, its just welll... the do speak a thousand words. Where else would you be able to actually bro fist with Barney Stinson?? Exactly.

I am also currently in the process of preparing quite a large guide on how to approach women. Thats right, how awesome am i?

The one and only BARNEY STINSON teaching YOU how to score women like Katy Perry. What more do you want? In detailed guides on good lines to open talking to women? Fine, i can do that. More you say? How to become more of an Alpha Male? Fine, if thats what you want. How to block other Alpha's in a group when you wanna score the chick he's hitting on? Fine. I will do that for, because thats how awesome i am.

Go back up and bump the Bro Fist again. You've earned it.

Barney x

Well well, what a successful day i have had.
You may have heard me talk about the "Mrs Stinsfire" before... what? You haven't?
Nevermind, here is a video i prepared earlier...



Well thats right, today i managed to succesfuly do the Mrs....... wait for it..... STINSFIRE!!!
All i will say is that it took a lot of time and dedication and awesomeness to pull this off, thanks to all my fans across the world i wouldn't have been able to it without  you!!

Barney x

hello everyone! today i am going to share you, the first of my special tips and tricks. Please, dont faint or get too excited, it really is okay. Scoring hotties isn't even that much of a big deal. The problem that i see far too often is complete lack of CONFIDENCE. How are you gonna take home a girl if you can't look her in the eye and you stand mumbling at her looking at your feet? We all know you should be checking out her chest WHAT UP!

But seriously. Its easy. Thats the point of this blog. It is sooo god damn easy!

Rule 1: Always Wear A Suit.
Rule 2: Always Wear A Suit. Seriously. Why wouldn't you? Suits are awesome. Did James Bond wear jeans and a t-shirt? No. He wears Suits. And so should you.

People often ask me "i just don't know if a girl is into me or not, i lose confidence" etc etc. Always assume that a girl is into you. If she isn't, and you just assume she is and act like that, then 9 times out of 10 she will be into you in a matter of minutes. The concept of some being better or worse looking that anyone else is kinda retarded if you think about it. But there are ways to tell if she is picking up on your confident approach.

Does she make any form of contact with you in conversation? She's into you. Yep. Really.
Does she smile at you? Yep... you got it. She's into you. Really.
In a group situation? She's talking really loudly and laughing at everything you say? Yep.... thats right.
She asks if you have a girlfriend? Yep....
She calls you a player or a heartbreaker? I get this one alot.... jackpot! She's into you.
She asks your age?? Yes i am serious. She's into you.

These are what i like to call IOI's or Indicators of Interest. Its pretty common knowledge, have a little search around. Every girl does it. But what is more important is having the confidence, even swagger, to just go and approach a girl in a bar or club out of the blue. This is called a Cold Approach, and is what my next blog post will be about.

Now, your challenge for today readers, is to just go out and talk to a girl. Thats right, stop shaking. Just go out into a bar, a coffee house, a bookstore (kinda lame, but whatever) ANYWHERE and just strike up a conversation with a girl. Act like you are God's Gift to Women. Brad Pitt? Meh, that guys kinda gross. He has nothing on you! Just go and do it, go and talk to a woman. And look out for those IOIs.

Happy Hunting!

Barney x

back! wow what a crazy day.... FYI no i actually didn't get that girls number. But who needs the number when you've already laid some barnacle love down!! Blog 10. Sometimes i think its actually too easy to score chicks. You know how great sports players sometimes handicap themselves in some way, to make the sport harder and more fun, especially when playing with less talented players away from the professional field? Well, that's what i do sometimes. Except i don't play sports (im actually banned from playing Basketball in the USA for fear of everyone else quitting the sport out of shame, true story) and i'm talking about WOMEN. Tall ones, short ones, thin ones, slightly less thin ones (never fat though, c'mon guys), white, latina etc etc etc... but anyway. What was i talking about again? Handicaps. But that is an advanced technique used by only top flight players like myself!

A while ago i challenged myself that until i slept with a woman, i would not remove the disgusting pair of dungarees i had found myself wearing. And do you know what? I did it. Thus proving that such a horrendous handicap cannot stop the heart and mind of a truly focused athlete or in my case, serial womanizer. And this is also why i support the disabled olympics. For they, like myself, prove to the world, who sneers and laughs and says that it is impossible, and cannot be done, that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. and that is the message i would like everyone to take away from this post. I think....

Barnacle x

thats right, its me again!! half the day is not even gone and i have already got 3 chicks phone numbers... you wanna know how? well the truth is... you couldn't handle it even if you did know. Its like if i was God, and i could instantly show you every single particle of space and time at one precise moment, the whole infinite matter of the universe in an instant, you wouldn't be able to deal with it. Your brain would simply explode, and so that is why i will slowly trickle down my golden tips and tricks to you, like a baby nuzzling at its mothers breast. Except after a while, it will be that chick at the bar or in the club that you are nuzzling, what is up??? Blog-five.

But anyways... people are always coming to me saying "oh Barney, you're so good looking, i'll never be able to have amazing game like you do. I guess you won the genetic lottery and i lost" and to a certain extent, this is true.

But even the ugliest guy can pick up chicks.... the secret is GAME. and that is what this blog will focus on. Now game can mean anything... ruses, flim-flams, swindles etc.... but there is one thing you will never do. You will never ever use my tips and tricks to try and enter a loving, meaningful relationship with a woman!!!! NEVER. EVER!!!!!!

Anyway, sorry about that rant.... where was i?? oh wait, theres a chick staring at me from the other side of the bar.... TIZZARGET AQUIZZIRED!! ill be back later!

Barney x

Hello everyone, that's right... it is me Barney Stinson, everybody's favorite serial womanizer/awesome guy!! I'm blogging to you from the awesome city that is New York. I'm gonna be using this blog to share with you, the most awesome people of The Internet my general musings, rants, and most importantly my secrets and tips for picking up chicks and giving 'em the business! No longer will you have to be a sad, lonely, sweater-vest wearing loser.... you will never be as awesome as me, but then again you will never be able to pogo stick to the moon either. Some things are just impossible. However, from this blog you might be able to pogo stick around your block, or... y'know, go to a bar and score hot girls. Or something like that anyway.

Make sure you keep reading, share the link with your friends, and follow me!! Ill post again tommorrow.

Barney x